Dealing With Death

As a small child, I lost my grandmother; my world; the greatest being that I knew. She was both of my parent's a large part of the time; she was a friend, a playmate, my security.

When she had her stroke, she was moved from our home into my Aunt's home where there was someone to care for her round-the-clock and an empty room for her hospital bed. No one told me that she'd had a stroke; no one told me when she'd died. I was only told that my grandmother, who I had total trust and love for, had "gone away". Imagine being 6 and hearing that your closest friend has "gone away". I blamed myself; not realizing until long into my adulthood that I was not responsible. "Why," I thought, "would she just go away and leave me if I hadn't done something to cause it?" Naturally, I pushed it deeper and deeper into my psyche. When I finally realized that she'd died; I was very angry at my parent's for not telling me. They, however, didn't realize that a child could understand death.

My religious upbringing didn't help at all because in my mind, I was to blame. No one ever said that I hadn't offended grandma. But, I was certain that I had. I mean, people who go away, at least call or write at some point and she wasn' t doing that. And as far as religion was concerned; all that seemed to focus on was that we humans had murdered Jesus Christ! In my young mind, I was horrible.

My time at a day care didn't help either. I was locked up over 8 hours a day in a single room with 7 or 8 other children and abused not only by the lady who ran the day care, but by her Sada-masochistic children, as well. This was a part of my understanding of death as a child. I watched westerns where people were repeatedly shot to death. After all, it seemed easiest for the woman to babysit children if she just plopped them down in front of a tv all day and threatened that if they made noise that she'd "beat" them "to death"!

Her teenage son, furthered my understanding and my fear of death when he pointed a BB gun at my forehead and threatened to kill me and my parent's if I told about what I'd watched him do to his sister.

It put a whole new perspective on life and death for me, just having that cold steel barrel pressed to the center of my forehead. In fact, I'm sure it enlightened every child around me that day.

So, I became obsessed with death and was labeled "weird" by a number of people including teachers, other kids and even some family members. I spent much of my time reading about the afterlife and ghosts. I investigated other religions and their views of death and the afterlife. Strangely, it seemed to enhance my own spirituality and faith. A much needed asset when I lost both parent's, a sister, several cousins, a good friend and a dog and cat all within a 9 year period of time.

Almost every religion believes in some form of afterlife. Early Buddhists would train children to observe cadavers until they decayed and nourished the ground where new plant life would bloom and grow so that it could nourish and promote some new life by being eaten, thereby nourishing another living being, helping it to grow and develop.

Ancient Egyptians believe that the afterlife was a journey and prepared their deceased to travel it with plenty of supplies to sustain them throughout their travel.

Christianity tells us that there is an afterlife in Heaven or Hell. Tibetan Buddhism describes an afterlife in Shambhala, the hidden city. Ancient Nordic beliefs speak of Asgard, the home of the Warrior Gods and Valhalla, the place of the dead. In nearly every religion and culture, some belief in an afterlife and a place for them to go, exists.

After much reading, discussion, prayer and self-reflection, I have come to believe in something greater than myself; in an afterlife better than this planet. I no longer am afraid of death, nor am I any longer punishing myself for my grandmother's, "going away". In this great circle of life, I know that she still lives; not only in my own genetics, but in some other spiritual form, as well. I guess what I am trying to say is that no matter who you are, it's not easy to deal with death, but I want everyone to know that children must be told the truth about it. They will understand more than you think. Lie to them and you can cause them more sorrow, doubt, blame and fear than any child should ever have to endure.

As everything dies, decays and gives life to something else; so do people and animals. What is now refreshing to me is that every life that passes through this world leaves something of itself behind for the rest of us. When my own physical death comes; I believe that I too, will leave something of myself behind.

Copyright, 2007, M.L. Kiser

The Message Seems Very Clear

Copyright, 2007, M.L. Kiser